How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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