Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
