Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
