you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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