im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
