please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
