I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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