The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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