The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
