Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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