I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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