I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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