i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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