I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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