Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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