We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
