i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize