She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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