im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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