I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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