I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
