JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
