Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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