This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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