tonight lets celebrate not being married
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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