Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
