Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
