He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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