Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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