I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
