My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
