FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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