you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
