i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
