If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
