i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
