a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk walkin through police station. America
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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