Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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