hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
