I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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