I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
