walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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