i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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