Umm I'm too high to move.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
