I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
