I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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