I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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