My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
