This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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