cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize