he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
