We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My dick has a subreddit
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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