Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
