Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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