I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
