ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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