who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
