ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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