I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
