i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
