Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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