new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
