I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
